I Am…
I am a very busy person. Sometimes I’m busy getting an incredible amount of things done but mostly I find myself busy not doing much at all. It could even possibly be said that often I’m busy avoiding the expereince of, or the connection to…Love. When I slow down enough, from doing nothing, this appears to be a bottom line. Mind you, this is not by intention or design, but somehow seems to be true nontheless. All I need do is look at the reflection, or lack thereof, in my life. This seeming fact has broken my heart continually throughout my life and has caused me to create a labyrinthine path between myself and love. Again, not my intention, but an understandable reaction to a life of being abused, misunderstood, feared, and projected upon. Sound familiar? It is an aspect of this life-journey that I am ready to shed…Again.
I have been a very fearful person unfortunately. It is how I feel I was raised, to be afraid of everyone and everything. Add that to having had paralyzing asthma for the magority of my life, and it’s amazing that I can ever even get myself to leave the house. That being said, I DO leave the house, and have been able to continually create amazing things both inside it and out. I have really mastered the art of “feeling the fear and doing it anyway”(Thank you Susan Jeffers). While still afraid much of the time, I no longer allow that fear to dictate my actions…for the most part. The irony, of course, is that there is plenty to be afraid of in the world, especially other people who are living even more from fear. Fear cloaked in greed, hyper-reactivity and the need to have at least the appearance of control of everyone and everything around them. Our world seems to be run by them, constantly devising ways to take more from their fellow humans, essentially telling them what to think and how to behave toward the end of their greatest profit margin. I cannot help but wonder how we as a species arrived here.
All of this leads me to where I really want to be…which is living from LOVE. I have pondered so many times exactly what that means. At this point it seems to be mostly a mental construct, though I certainly have flashes of the actual experience. But how is it to live there all the time, or even most of the time? “Those who seem to know” say that the choices in life are to live either from fear or from Love. As far as that scale goes, I definitely am more on the Love end of things, and spend more time in action than in reaction. But I think hat there is another level. To come from Love, lead life from that place in EVERY interraction, how does that work? I spend much time endeavoring to create community for others through my classes and music, yet the feeling of community in my own life feels to be lacking. There are a few people I have it with, of course, and I am more grateful to them than I can say, and despite having families and full lives, they squeeze me in when they can. But I see myself at the hub of an active and thriving creative community that vibrates and pulses with life. Where beautiful, authentic creativity flows forth like the water of life that it is and that inspires it. Where are those people for me? Who and where do I need to go and be to have that? This is the real question of my life at this point. So many times it has looked like something was beginning, only to have it dissolve away. Sadness again. Yet I am being constantly shown that I am somehow still moving in the correct direction despite appearances. Such is the stuff of faith and trust~
I am a musician, and my Band, the Infinitia Art Ensemble will be doing our first actual recording of a demo 2 days from now. Aftr 7 years of working to create this, I seem to have creatd an equilibrium and a stability within the band’s fragile structure, the walls of which will become greatly fortified and reinforced by this recording. The sales and gigs which will result will move me, move us toward a huge goal of mine which is to finally make a top-notch CD of my music and tour it. This is my intention and my prayer. It has been beyond a dream to successfully tour (as in MAKE money and present consistently masterful classes and workshops) doing my lifes’s work, and this has indeed happened through the SHAMANTRA work and Nia and I couldn’t be happier about it. However I have wanted to do the same with my music for much longer and have yet to do so, so now my focus goes there as well. Wish me luck!!
And so it goes. My eyes and heart open ever wider to make more room for Spirit to enter and guide me to my deepest and highest self. I will continue to be ever lighter about it all…it’s still too easy for me to get very damn serious about the whole thing.
Riding my Dragon (aka getting all "Avatar" about it!)
Pray the Prayer
Dance the Dance
Sing the Song
Live the Life!!
SaBou~
“LIVE YOUR LIFE OUT LOUD” my dear friend.. and know that you are surrounding yourself with like spirits, who appear in your life forms unknown to you.. some in familiar comfortable “easy on the eye” encasements and others, are the creatures of the earth.. keep your eyes open as much as your heart.. and breath deeply.. because LOVE is very translucent and has no color…
Nice one! Thanks Linda! And thanks for responding/commenting! I hope that more people follow your lead!!
I read your blog carefully and I would like to share with you the followings:
…
I am honest, curious and very eager to learn.
I dare to ask, and am not afraid to give true answers.
I respect myself and I do not lie to myself.
Because of my honesty, most of the people consider me very childish. Or should I rather say naive, since a grown-up is rarely open hearted and sincere (like a kid). Adults do not speak about their feelings, do not ask direct questions or give straight answers, do not say what and how they really feel… Adults lie
I have my fears too. I don’t quite know how to say it, but my fear is like a physical/corporal sensation, something I have never experienced before. My fear is not due to ignorance or lack of information. What I sense is that it is not a situation, an action or a person I am afraid of, but the feeling(s) behind, the feeling(s) that that particular situation or person bring(s) out in me. But the moment I realize where the feeling(s) originate(s) from, fear simply melts away.
When I was a child, I used to be very afraid to go into the cellar, because I had to walk down a long staircase and the light switch was at the lower end of the stairs. I never dared talking about this (and many other things) to my parents, and I had nobody to comfort me. I was afraid of the darkness, I was afraid of what might be waiting for me down there. Perhaps something might bite me when I touch the switch or catch my leg and pull me in the depths of the cellar. I used to stop half way and cry, could not even move due to fear. Once, there was a power failure and I had to use a candle which made my descent even more frightful due to the many shadows on the walls… I somehow got down and immediately started crying. Then the thought came to my mind that I have just descended the stairs without crying, so why cry now, when I have actually reached my goal and nothing bad happened?!? I looked around at the flame of the candle and I felt good. Ever since, I have never invented horror stories or felt scared in the dark cellar
For the past 5 years, I have been regularly meditating. Actually, I sense and “live” inside my fears during these meditations and it often feels like hell, yet helps a lot.
The other “tool” that helps me is the so called “family set-up”. Here I understand whose ancestor’s fears I have been unknowingly carrying on my shoulders since my childhood, only because I then wanted to help him/her. I first experienced this group-technique about a year ago, and it made me realize that everything operates on the level of the spirit, even finding the solution. It not only helps me understand my deeds/actions so far, but is also a great support in getting on my way.
In the past years, I did not really understand why so many shitty things keep happening to me: bad jobs, bad relationships, lots of suffering, and too many tears. I was 30 years old when I realized that it is me I have to make the changes on, and I broke down. Six years went by and now I feel that I am on the right track.
I accept things/happenings (do not judge) and I live my life with open eyes and an open heart.
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL